I failed

The title says it all - I failed to achieve a PB.

I was well prepared, the carbo loading went well, I was well hydrated. The event was very well organised by Runner for Life. At the 20km mark I was on time and doing well. In fact I thought I should and could pick up the pace but I kept myself back as I didn't want to burn myself out - I was right on track to getting a PB and feeling fine. And then around 25 km it all fell apart.

My lower was causing me a little discomfort at the half was mark; nothing serious and nothing I wasn't used to. Years ago when I first took up running I couldn't run more than 20 km without my knees being in sever pain that evening. A trip to the podiatrist showed that I had a slight foot problem that caused my hips to turn which caused my knees to turn. At 13 I had a car accident that broke my right leg, stretching some of the supporting ligaments which means that the hip/knee twisting causing excruciating pain.  The podiatrist made some very solid foot inserts for my shoes to stop the foot from causing all that twisting. It worked beautifully. I was able to run with minimal knee pain and my lower back pain virtually disappeared. I have used those inserts for running until 3 years ago. About 3 years ago I experimented with minimalist shoes that uses a more natural, bare foot, style of running. These were great and allowed me to get rid of the inserts for running. I have been using these for the marathon preparation without any problems until yesterday.

Around 23 km into the marathon my lower back was very sore. The trail was tough. The path isn't smooth and cemented. It's dirt with stones and rocks. It's regarded as one of the toughest marathons in India because of the trail component. It was causing me legs to naturally twist and my lower back was starting to scream at me. This I could handle. Suck in the stomach, remember all the core training I did, "keep the back strong" I told myself. And then after 2 km of sucking it up my right knee said hello, very loudly. It felt like someone put a knife into my right knee. It was immediate, it was painful and I knew instantly that I was in trouble.

I tried to run on it at least 6 times as I sought to finish the marathon. The best I managed was the second attempt with a whole 45 seconds of running. By the 30 km mark I knew it wasn't going to get better. I knew the PB was gone. I hoped that this wouldn't be my worst time ever. It was. But I wasn't going to quit. If I was going to finish then I would need to walk it. Walking was ok. Any kind of running wasn't. So I walked. I walked as fast as I possibly could. Every few kms I would stop and stretch and then take off and walk, again, as fast as I could. I had 2 people pass me from 30 km to the finish. I passed 6.

The bottom line, mechanically I fell apart. The lungs were fine the leg muscles were fine the pace was fine. Mechanically I broke down and the goal was lost.

And so, the experiment draws to a close. My weight and body fat is the same as when I started. I feel like I have lost some bulk up top but not a significant amount. The PB was not achieved. The conclusion from this marathon is: Yes, preparing for a marathon affected my body building.

Perhaps next time it will be different.

To Runners for Life, thanks guys. You did a great job before, during and after the marathon. It was a great experience, albeit a painful one, and I hope to return again next year.

To all of you who have been following me along this journey, thank you. I have appreciated the encouragement you have all given to me throughout these passed months. When I had to walk and the PB was lost I wanted to quit trying and just stroll home. Your encouragement kept me trying my best in the face of defeat. I feel much better about myself for having given my best until the very end and your support was the key factor.

Thank you.

42 days of recovery to go.

Poor Man's Therapy

Therapy is expensive but if you need it then it's worth every cent you spend. Long distance running is poor man's therapy.

In long distance running, the 2-3 hour range, there's a lot of time to think. Lots of time to think and to think and to think. The time is great for working through ideas and concepts and all the good and bad stuff that's going on in your life. But there's something that happens, at least to me, at about the 2 hour mark that turns thinking into therapy.

Around 2 hours into the run I get exhausted. Really exhausted. Each step I take just adds to the exhaustion. Physical exhaustion becomes emotional exhaustion. The emotional walls that keep out the bad thoughts, the pains of yesterday, the thoughts of hurt and anger - those walls come down and I have to face them. I can keep running but I can't run away from myself. Unresolved stuff stares me in the face. They become my running partner. And they don't shut up. They want to talk. They want me to talk. They want to find peace and they don't care if I don't - at least in that moment.

And so I keep running and I keep thinking and the walls keep tumbling down and the conversation continues. And I'm too tired to keep them quiet and I'm too tired to put up a fight and so I listen to what they say to me. They don't shut because they are the ghosts of yesterday and they long to find their peace so they can move onto to another realm. And if I work with them, if I listen, and if I hear where they are coming from they will lead me to parts of my soul that I cannot go on my own. And once there I see the pain and the hurt and without all the distractions and denials I embrace the pain for what it is, for what it was, so that I can keep going forward, so that I can keep running.

Running is as much an emotional game as a physical one. Work with it and the emotional benefits will be as great as the physical ones.

9 weeks of therapy left.